The Fault in Our Star Signs

They say destiny is written in the stars. Well I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Scorpio and we’re very sceptical.

I’ve always been kind of scared of astrology. Scared that if I get too intrigued by it, I'll end up lugging around a crystal ball, living in a trailer park and starring on ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’. I mean, I’m all for freedom of speech, peasant skirts and sandals, but and as much as I’d love to live in the 60s, talking about your horoscope is the first step in becoming part of a cult. First they're just talking about tarot cards and moon rocks, and then all of a sudden they want your social security number and 10,000 dollars. I was walking around a festival recently, and was captivated by these huge guys with tattoos and motorcycles, pouring over their horoscopes like a bunch of thirteen-year-old girls. 

‘Oh my god you guys! The sun is the eighth house in Gemini meaning I'm only going to have a 2 star day’

By this point I couldn't resist going up to them.

‘You don’t actually believe in all that zodiac stuff though, right?’

‘Of course! I mean, you wouldn't date a guy without first checking you’re star sign compatibility’

‘I wouldn't?’

‘Right. Here, take a card’ motioned one of the burly bikers, who looked every part the guy who robbed a milk bar for fun on a quiet Sunday afternoon. I dipped my hand into the glass bowl labelled with my horoscope, and pulled out a slip of paper with intricate gold lettering. It read:

Scorpio (ninth house): You wrong a Scorpio, and they will come to your house and slash your tyres

Yeah okay, that sounds like me. Forgive and forget leaves out the crucial first stage of revenge. I remember once when someone cut off part of my hair as a joke, I signed up their school email address to tons of junk email and store websites, and they were getting over 40,000 spam emails a day.

I then dipped my hand into the next glass bowl labelled with my moon sign

Sagittarius (Moon): This is the lady with the talk show hostess personality. She can lead, inspire, debate, and delve into your deep, dark secrets. And you feel like she becomes your friend in the process.

Oprah, Ellen… Gabby. After that I was totally hooked. It’s a Scorpio thing to be obsessive.

‘Hey Gabby’

‘Claire! I took the liberty of checking your daily horoscope for you this morning!’

And then the fear crept in. I mean, what if I’m destined to become a chicken lady. And I’m supposed to live off the land raising 40,000 chickens and praying for rain. My only hope is that Blair Waldorf was right when she said, ‘Destiny is for losers. It’s just a stupid excuse to wait for things instead of making them happen’. I refuse to wait for destiny to take charge and turn me into a chicken lady. So the next time a lady with the crystal ball and tarot cards says ‘You have this glowing aura about you’, just know that it’s probably your fake tan. 

Valentino Spring 2014 Zodiac Jewellery

Xx