All The Single Ladies

“Put your hands up and read Gabby’s guide” – Beyoncé

Part 2

In the olden days (like the early 2000’s), breaking up with someone was SO much easier. You just had to avoid places people hung out back then, like church or the local general store. Nowadays, a bad breakup involves blocking them on; facebook, twitter and instagram, all while they find a way around your defence system and message you on pinterest. My mum would never understand this though, because she’s a total luddite (a person who fears and dislikes technology). And I can prove it. For Christmas three years ago I told her I really wanted a laptop, which was followed by 45 minutes of explaining that a laptop is a portable computer. ‘Wow so ingenious, Gabby, I've never heard of something like that!’ I know you’re probably wondering what my mum being an Amish of the technological world has to do with being single. Be patient, this has everything to do with it. I think she secretly wishes we’d grown up in the Stone Age when the only tablets we played with were made of rock. And I used to kind of turn my nose up at her, but she has a point. At least my mum can live her whole life without having written on her tomb stone; beloved wife of an iPhone 6.

Admit it, you’re in a relationship with your phone right now. When it falls, you’re there every step of the way, in sickness and in health. You feed it rice. Every time it buzzes, beeps, whoosh-es and bing!’s you answer. In fact, you no longer need to look at the keys while you type on the touch screen, which is basically sorcery, and defies all laws of human evolution. You may as well change your relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’, because I have no clue how to describe this. You have eyes only for Siri. (Cue my mum: who’s Siri again? Is she that friend who’s a bad influence on you?) No mum, that’s Claire. (Just kidding). If this sounds like you, here are the signs that you’re in a committed relationship with Siri:

-       You turn her on and bring her to bed

-       You check her out in class when you think no one’s watching

-       She’s the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning and the last before you fall asleep

-       You show her off to your family and friends like a trophy wife

-       Sometimes you push her buttons a little too much

-       You give her your undivided love and attention

-       You buy her new accessories

-       You changed your facebook dp to a picture of you and Siri, so it’s now official

Everyone thinks that their relationship will last forever. But after a while, Siri stops doing anything special for you, so you break up. And then you start to feel lonely. Panic sets in, and suddenly your trying to find Siri and you’re ringing and she’s not answering. It’s time for a new relationship. A real one. I'm talking about the new iPhone 6s. Duh!

Xx