“Put your hands up and read Gabby’s guide” – Beyoncé
Part 1
If you’re single then I can probably spot it.
You’re a hopeless romantic. You hear music and think, is that John Cusack holding a boom box outside my window?
Is this mysterious bouquet of flowers labelled ‘Laura’ for me? And will I get
in trouble if I open the chocolates? Too late. (Sorry Laura). The truth is,
Hollywood lied to you when they told you that you need a guy to be happy. I
know this, because I’m single, and I’m super happy! Right
now I’m a wild thing, a rolling stone, a free range pony who can’t be tamed. And
I’d like to stay that way a little longer. If this is you, follow my list of the top 10 ways to
ensure you stay single a while longer:
- Argue
that the movie is better than the book
- Continue
using your first ever email address (mine was gabby_loves_dolphinsxoxo@hotmail.com)
- Leave
cryptic messages on Facebook like ‘relationships are all about timing’*
**Ignore unless you are Josh who this message was meant for but I was being intentionally vague so he wouldn't know
**Ignore unless you are Josh who this message was meant for but I was being intentionally vague so he wouldn't know
- Send
requests to play ‘Candy Crush’ or ‘Farmville’
- Openly
talk about star sign compatibility
- Mention
five times in every conversation that you’re a vegan. Even when the topic of
conversion is Dylan O’Brien’s butt
- Have
this conversation in a doorway
- Purchase
your bra from an infomercial
- Tweet
‘Good morning from
*insert tropical holiday destination here*’ late at night, to let everyone know
the vast time difference between glamorous, jet-setting you, and your poor,
stay-at-home followers.
- Enough said.
And
if you don’t want to end up as a Crazy Cat lady, this list doubles as a comprehensive
guideline of exactly what NOT to do, folding up for easy storage under the bed.
Pay by credit card and you’ll also receive a complimentary forever alone badge,
absolutely free! It’s like Paris and Nicole said, ‘welcome to the
single life’. Oh wait, I think it’s ‘The Simple Life’. Never mind.
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