Confessions of a self-proclaimed shower singer
‘HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!!’ can usually
be heard angrily bellowing under the bathroom door at me. Most of the time I'm
too busy performing a solo to my number 1 fan (namely, me) to hear the pleas of
my family, my neighbours, and the police begging me to stop. The acoustics in
the shower are amazing too! Obviously I've got my eyes set on Madison
Square Gardens, (duh!) but for now it will have to do. Australian Idol has even
used my audition footage as comedy (that’s good, right?)
It seems that no matter how loud I sing in front of
my friends however, none of them comment on how good my voice is. The other
night I was singing ‘Titanium’ under the steamy running water, and was kind of
disappointed when Pitch Perfect’s Chloe didn't burst in and beg me to join the
Bella’s, what with my excessive talent (and by that I mean absolutely no talent
at all). One of life’s greatest unsolved mysteries (second to how I managed to
score a singing role in my high school's musical), is why women take so long in
the shower. Of course, one of the reasons this mystery remains unsolved, is
because nobody has bothered to ask a girl. So here it is: showering for me is
less of a vacation and more like a business trip. And no, this kind of business
trip isn't a shady excuse for a secret affair, like in every daytime TV drama
on CBS. I actually have work to do; I need to shampoo and condition my hair,
use my leave in treatment, exfoliate, cleanse and tone my skin,
scream ‘AARGHH I GOT SHAMPOO IN MY EYES’, use my Lush soap in the flavour ‘honey I washed the kids’ and shave my
legs (which usually resembles Bikram yoga when you've got leggy legs
like me).
Sometimes I start breaking into rap (because when
you think Gabby Capes, you think hip-hop). As much as I love being in a hot tub
surrounded by ‘bitches’, ‘sleeping at ya crib’ and degrading backup dancers, it’s not really something I do on like, an
everyday basis. What if Dr Dre rapped about real-life problems we could relate
to; like how it’s impossible to find a red lip that won’t come off when you
eat, or why water-proof karaoke hasn't been invented yet? (Bill Gates if you’re reading this: we could make millions!!) A lot of my time is spent
pondering deep philosophical questions; what kind of toilet paper do they use
in Buckingham Palace? (It’s got to be good!) And why have I never realised that
Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams have reversed names?
Often my ‘3 minute’ showers will turn into a full
blown musical; you name it, I’ve sung it; Footloose, Little Shop of Horrors,
Fiddler on the Roof, Annie (I could totally still be cast as a child orphan,
right?) *This is my cry for help. I guess it must have started young. I was nine
when High School Musical first came out, and my dad threatened to take out a
restraining order out against me if I continued one more rendition of Sharpay’s
‘Fabulous’. Last night I found myself singing Justin Bieber’s ‘Beauty and a Beat’ which was a shameful act (even for me), and something I usually
reserve for my room under the cover of darkness, with headphones on. I guess my
dirty secret is out.
So the next time you have a shower,
grab your hairbrush and sing away all your problems like you’re in a Disney
movie! Sing like no one’s listening (even though they scream ‘I CAN HEAR YOU!
SHUT UP’) or until the hot water runs out. And never let your family demanding
a refund for the free live performance you've subjected them to, stop
you from an aca-amazing shower!
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