I’m a Barbie Girl

An action figure girl in a Barbie world

Moschino Spring 2015 Ready to Wear

As a tomboy growing up, I was always much more interested in action figures, remote control monster trucks and skateboards, than I was with Mattel’s iconic plastic doll. My two sisters on the other hand, loved to take their Southern bell Barbies for joy rides in their matching hot pink glam convertibles, and spy on Stacy (another, non-Mattel doll) who was hooking up with Ken in the hot tub. At one point I think they had a pregnancy scare. All while Ken secretly struggled with his sexuality (seriously, what straight guy wears a hot pink ascot?) I guess you could say our childhood games were more intense than an episode of Degrassi. Little did my sisters know however, that a war was raging outside the walls of their idyllic Malibu dream houses. My army men (travelling in remote control helicopters) single-handedly infiltrated the Barbie shopping mall, giving each glamorous plastic figure a Britney shears haircut in the salon. It then turned into a game of ‘Super Extreme Barbie’ (survival of the fittest in the doll world), where my sisters and I dropped our old Barbie’s from the second story, and flushed them down the toilet to see which parts survived.

For as long as there has been Barbie, there have been arguments against the doll, whose proportions in real life would see her unable to stand up with feet too small, and a torso that doesn't fit all of her organs. Why don’t we create more realistic expectations, like Mid-life crisis Barbie: Finally divorced from Ken, Barbie sets off on a road-trip in her brand new pink convertible (courtesy of Ken’s credit card). Includes: Ken’s house, furniture, entire salary and custody of their 2 children. 

Or what about Soccer Mum Barbie: All that work as high school cheerleading captain comes in handy as Barbie dusts off her old megaphone to argue with the coach about why her kids aren't getting enough time on the field. Complete the set with Kia Carnival minivan, 'My Family' stickers and orange slices. And nothing could be more realistic than hang over Barbie: All of these ‘come on Barbie lets go party' have really caught up with the drunken doll, as she attends weekly Alcoholics Anonymous support group meetings. Includes yesterday’s dress with today’s shame all over it.  

Italian fashion house Moschino recently released its 2015 Spring Ready to wear Barbie collection, showcasing the platinum blonde hair and iconic shade of bubble gum pink every little girl loves, and every tomboy cringes at when forced into a dress that colour on special occasions. Creative director Jeremy Scott added behind the scenes of the fashion show ‘Like every girl and gay boy, I loved Barbie’. Well, I guess if decapitating her, hijacking her California dream home and driving her hot pink convertible off the roof of my house counts as ‘love’… 

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