The first time I took a shot from a loaded gun (asif! This isn't Kentucky), I was
eighteen-years-old. I strutted towards the bar with the confidence of Cindy
Crawford, and a "make me a tequila on the rocks. Not too many rocks - I
like itstrongDerek!" attitude.
In
my head.
In
real life, I shoved through a horde of slobbering drunk guys with chin pubes
and loadies mid-deal towards the bar.
"I'll
haaaaave... a glass of alcohol please".
Before
I could ask for a Kinder Surprise, my friend (wait, you havefriends?) intervened.
"She'll
have a tequila shot thanks".
I
tilted back my head and... held the shot in my mouth like I was gargling
Listerine. In mere seconds the insides of my mouth started burning raw (again,
like Listerine), while I mentally penned my will.
*Yeah,
I can kiss that mouthwash endorsement bye bye*
At
this point, a crowd of friends had gathered around me shouting me "Shot!
Shot! Shot!", so I tried to discreetly spit the tequila out from the side
of my mouth. Instead it just went all over me, and I spend the rest of the
night soaked from my own spat out vodka (yum!)
So
I guess its kinda obvious that I'm not much of a drinker. Which is really hard
for everyone else to understand. I'll be at a college party and mention
"I'm not drinking tonight", only to be bombarded with a million
questions like:
"Are
you on antibiotics"
No
"Are
you pregnant"
NO!
"Are
you drunk?"
Yah,
okay. I am.
I'm
drunk right now actually.
Kidding. The closest I get to taking a shot is when I have the flu.
Mum: Sorry we only children's cough syrup. 10mL should do it
I need to sort out my finances. After
all, I’m twenty now. Sorry I just had my birthday, so I’m practicing how it
feels to say it. You know? So when people ask me, I won’t go ‘nineteen!’ and then have
awkward small talk about how I don’t even remember my own age.
I’m twenty now and that means I am (more) of an adult!
Wait, what are taxes? How do I pay bills? *hyperventilating* I have an unopened pile of letters shoved in my drawer dating back to 2014 from
my superannuation company (whatever that means) and I’m too scared to open them.
Right now I am busy saving for student exchange. I’m going to Barnard College, which is in the Upper West
Side of New York City! So if anyone knows someone who needs their car washed,
their lawns mowed, or fertile eggs, I’m your girl.
Just kidding.
About the car washing and lawn mowing.
This body was NOT made for physical labour.
Okay I’m really kidding.
I don’t want my DNA mixing with someone
I haven’t pre-selected either.
In
all seriousness, donating your eggs so that an infertile or same-sex couple can
have a baby is probably one of the most selfless things a person can do. That’s why
I would never. It’s just not in my nature.
Unlike
the Upper-East-Side-private-school-princesses with a hundred thousand
Instagram followers, who make money posting a casual yet perfectly laid out pic
of their tanned arm showcasing a glittering Rolex, I have to work hard for every
cent of this trip! (Maybe not THAT hard though. Do you know how hard it is to make a pic holding teeth whitening strips look effortless?) Hate
those people all you want, but we all secretly wish we were them.
In truth though, every single wake-up-at-5am job I've ever had has given me a sense of undeniable satisfaction. Money can buy you a Rolex, fit tea, and sugar bear hair vitamins, but it can't buy you the sweet feeling you get when the doors of your workplace part, and you inhale the first gulp of fresh, untainted air. At least, that's what rich people tell us to stop us from rioting.
Is there a more essentialised image than Christmas in New York? Rockin' around the Rockefeller tree, the couple ice skating romantically around Central Park, and the department store Santa who really is old Saint Nick...
If I could produce an ‘Essentialised New York Christmas Movie’, it would re-run on cable channels every holiday season, and go a
little something like this:
Our story begins with the shaking of an Empire State Building snow globe, zooming into the real life New York setting. You're part of a white, middle class, nuclear family (poor kids from the Ghetto tend to ask Santa for simple things like dinner, which test audiences find to be a real downer). Like a bumbling idiot, your dad (dressed in a painfully embarrassing Rudolf turtleneck) is incapable of stringing up twinkle lights without obtaining some *hilarious* injury. He's in an ongoing feud with the competitive next door neighbours, who make it their life's ambition to outdo your holiday decorations. Somewhere along the way there's a kiss under the mistletoe, a cringeworthy modern spin to traditional carols, and of course, waking up to a white Christmas.
Choose your own adventure: You can be Cindy-Lou or
Kevin in the 'Essentialised New York Christmas Movie'
It's up to you, an adorable (yet annoying
to everyone watching at home) child, to make the neighbours realise that
rampant commercialism is ruining the holiday. After recognising the error in
their ways, a snowstorm causes the power to go out. Together you sing carols around the piano by the warmth of
an open fire, reminding the audience of the true meaning of
Christmas.
The film will be directed
by the Christopher Columbus that didn't kill any Indians
I almost forgot! This is the dog that you get for Christmas. Only
its important to remember that the holidays aren't about
presents. (You can say this convincingly since you got what you always wanted)!
This essentialist New York Christmas is
problematic in many ways. For starters, my mum is too stressed every year
trying to live up to the standards set by the 'do-it-all' mum in the movies, that
she forgets the whole “true meaning of Christmas” part. Meanwhile, I wake up to
40 degree heat, dreaming of a white Christmas. (New Yorkers probably feel the same, considering it rarely snows in December). Finally,
after begging to go to the indoor rink (which feels a little less
romantic than Central Park), I'm skating one minute and the next "I’m lyin on
the cold hard ground". Taylor Swift really prepared me for this— Unlike New York Christmas movies.
Eating at Yankee Stadium while sticking to a budget of, oh, I dunno, like under 50 DOLLARS!
We can't all swipe our troubles and truffles away with Daddy's American
Express Black card you know.
While the city clears out when Upper East Side prep schools break for
the summer, and the fabulously rich canoodle off to St Barths and St Tropez,
summertime means one thing to the New Yorkers left behind: Baseball season. And
whether you’re rooting for the Yankees or the Mets, soaking up the sun in the
bleachers while downing an overpriced hot dog is what summer in the city is
all about!
You know you're a 90s kid when 'The Sandlot' made you think Babe Ruth was
the best baseball-er of the 20th century. (He retired in 1935, just before Black
African American's were allowed into the league).
Yankee Stadium (located on the
corner of 161st and River Avenue in the Bronx) is one of NYC’s most
famous baseball pitches (2nd only to the Sandlot … duh!) Up until the 80s, it stuck with traditional ballpark
snacks like hot dogs, pretzels and cracker jacks. Nowadays however, you can dine
in an upscale restaurant, or if you’re under 12, enjoy a
classic sushi like the California roll. (Over 12s can order off the same menu, only with the added judge-y eyes of sushi
snob).
With this in mind, I present to you my favourite sweet treat to survive summer at the
stadium!
Warning: the concession stand queues at the 7th inning
stretch can be intimidating … even if you’ve survived the Boxing Day lines at
Barney’s!
hot, Hot, HOT DOGS!
One New York tale that riles even the most die-hard hot dog historians
is the origin story of the name “hot dog”. At the New York Giants baseball match in 1901, vendors everywhere were shouting “Get
your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot!” Overhearing this, sports cartoonist for
the New York Journal, Tad Dorgan (god, kids can be cruel) quickly sketched a barking dachshund nestled between two buns. Unable to spell
“dachshund”, he simply wrote “hot dog”.
For that classic baseball fare, look no further than Highlanders. This eatery (which was names after the Yankees original Moniker during their first season) offers all the original ball park foods we know and love. Sound appealing? Join the back of the queue like everyone else. (Just practicing my stereo-typically blunt New Yorker attitude).
Hasn’t anyone told you? Nobody east apples in the Big Apple!
Whether you're a free spirit born-and-raised with a flower crown sprouting from your temple, or a suburban teen inspired by Tumblr, music festivals bring out the inner Coachella in all of us. Their dreamy boho vibes are reminiscent of the good old 70's, when things were actually way worse. Yet there's something about their alternative vibes that make me realise if anyone would blend in at a music festival without even trying, it's my mother. She can be alternative at times to say the least. 'Mum I'm home!' *Bursts through the front door to find her pacing around the living room in a puff of incense, wearing harem pants and playing the Tibetan singing bowl* 'Hi honey! I'm just cleansing the house of negative spiritual energy. Have you had an afternoon snack yet?'
My mum's 'music-festival-without-even-trying' attitude didn't stop her however from telling my little sister that she's not allowed to upcoming festival 'Groovin' the Moo' (HAHAHA). Meanwhile
I get to since I’m over 18 (true) and can do whatever I want (*snorts* not
true… at ALL). So then my sister had this dramatic moment where she expressed that she was glad that at least one us would make it, and to “just go on
without me”. Which I intend on doing.
I should probably preface this by saying that 'Groovin’ the Moo' is kind of like the Australian version of Coachella (only without Kylie Jenner and the entourage of filthy rich 15-year-old Youtubers).
Whatever music festival you are attending this season (or not attending, like my sister), you're undoubtedly in need of the perfect outfit that falls somewhere between boho and breezy, put-together yet relaxed. The following outfits of inspiration are dreamy enough to carry you from day to night, or from a music festival to a road trip!
I really hate to use fashion curse words without sensoring, but your outfit also needs to be PRACTICAL *shudders* Since you're going to be part of a giant mosh pit and on you'll be on your feet all day, you're going to need semi-comfortable shoes. YUCK! This goes against my religion (I mean, Christian Loubiton said himself
that he would HATE if someone were to look at his shoes and say “Oh my God! They look sooooo comfortable”). In this outfit I'm wearing a floral jumpsuit, with a black denim skirt and statement studded belt thrown over it. I won't narrate the entire outfit I swear! I know you have eyes.
Coachella Tip #2:Culturally
appropriated accessories: I don’t care if you’re Vanessa Hudgens, (a.k.a
Queen of Coachella), cultural insensitivity will never look cute. As much as I wish to praise your originality in wearing denim undies with a bindi stuck to your forehead, we've all seen the sour side of offending another’s culture. And at the end of the day, why risk offending someone when you can look super cute and original while not offending them? Spotted: Gigi (again!) Is this girl is going to de-throne Vanessa Hudgens or what? I love her facial jewelry! Its totally different from the more cliche Coachella bindi. (You can buy them from 'Body Bauble' here).
Tip #3:While there’s
nothing overly cringe about denim shorts, if you MUST, why not stand
out of the crowd of thousands of festival go-ers. I love this pair from ‘Nasty Gal’ because they scream American cowgirl.
Tip #4:Hair to be different: Unlike being in class and not knowing the answer when the teacher is choosing someone to speak, music festivals are NOT the time to blend in with the crowd. As much as I love it, pastel hair is soooo last festival. This season its all about the two B's; braids and buns. Check out some of my favourites below
A few days and hundreds of tissues later:
And like some sick joke (literally) – I couldn’t go
to Groovin’ the Moo because I got sick! You know when you’re listening to your
iPod (or your MP3 player if you’re reading this in 2002, while wearing a flower
crown non-ironically) and it goes a little something like:
Not this song
*shuffle*
*shuffle*
*shuffle*
*shuffle*
*shuffle*
*shuffle*
FINALLY! Well ‘Groovin’ the Moo’ is nothing like
that because I was in love with the line-up, like it basically floated down
from the playlist of my dreams. . It keeps me awake at
night thinking about all of the music I'd be obsessed with, if only I knew where
to find it.... that place was Bendigo, where the
festival was
just held.
WAHHHHHH
I hope you kids had fun, stepped away
from the crochet and gave birth to some new trends.
When I was a kid, my dad would be nestled
in his favourite armchair, the Sunday newspaper sprawled open in his hands. He
gets so damn unresponsive when he’s reading, until he no
longer hears ANYTHING that's going on in the outside world.
8
year old me: Dad! can I flick the channel I wanna watch Hannah Montana
*no
response*
9
year old me: Daaaaad! I fell off my skateboard and I’m bleeding
all over the carpet
*no
response*
It got to the point where I truly believed that I was a ghost, and my dad couldn’t
hear me BECAUSE I WAS DEAD.
10
year old me: Daaaaaaaaad! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry – I accidentally
rammed my bike into your new sports car and the side mirror broke off
*puts down newspaper* "WHHAAAATTT?!?!"
You know, I kinda wish he hadn’t heard that time.
Just like my Dad, when I’m reading I
become so engrossed in a book, that everything else simply fades into the background. Even though I haven't been lately, I love reading. It’s no wonder I always get Alex Dunphy in every ‘Which
Modern Family character are you?’’ quiz.
One of my favourite novels I’ve ready recently-ish is “Where Rainbows
End” by Cecelia Ahern. It’s also called “Love, Rosie” since that’s the film
name and they renamed the book and blah blah blah. It’s written entirely
through correspondence; letters, emails, msn chats (ah, those were the days)
between two protagonists; Alex and Rosie. Usually I HATE those kinds of books,
but this one is seriously funny, making it into my Top 3 favourites of all time! If you borrow this from a library, I really hope you get a cute librarian to check you out... I meant the book (okay, dorky much).
When people like Hailey tell me they
love the smell of old books, I just want to pull them aside and be like, I'm sorry but... you know how books work right?
Coffee has come a long way
from when a few scoops of Nescafe blend 43, boiling water and a dash of milk was all it took to rise the dead from their grave... Umm I mean my mum for her slumber.
In the contempoay era it seems that we like our coffee how we like our
wine; expertly brewed and with an expensive price tag. I've coined this the
'Starbuckanisation' of the modern consumer. Where the phrase "A grande
caramel frappuccino with extra cream and caramel" (a term which would have
been meaningless twenty years ago) is now commonly understood as "I'm a
teenager who really doesn't like the taste of coffee yet, so I'm ordering the
sweetest drink on the menu for an artsy photo for my Instagram. Plus all the
girls on Tumblr are drinking it". Coincidentally, as the
popularity of coffee rises among teens, so do the number of
pretentious twenty something's behind the counter. Admittedly I am one of
those twenty something's (except that I'm not quiet twenty, I don't have
obscure facial piercings, I've never dyed my hair an unnatural colour, read
poetry, listened to 1990's scene bands on record, or been a vegan). I get it.
I'm about as 'plain Jane' as baristas come.
Despite the fact that I really don't fit in with the rest of my
colleagues, I've found one thing that never fails to unite a group of people,
and that's our shared hatred for our customers! Here are just a couple of
things that make my daily grind just that little bit tougher;
1. Talking on the phone while ordering: Believe it or not, they
haven't introduced self check out machines to hospitality yet, so please
refrain from treating me like one. I know your conversation about how smashed
you got on the weekend is probably uber important, but I think I deserve your
attention. Especially since I'm about to make something you are going to be
drinking.
2. Having to deal with caffeine deprived customers: Caffeine
withdrawal is real people. I've experienced the blood shot eyes and irritable
mood of a caffeine addict before they've had their daily hit and trust me, for
some people their day really does start after coffee.
3. When you ask for your drink to be heated over 82 degrees
Celsius or a specific temperature: You do realize milk curdles at 82 degrees?
Right? And can your mouth really tell the difference between 92 degrees and 96
degrees? Doubt it.
4. When you tell me you're running late for work and if I could
speed things up: If you were running late for work and didn't have time to stop
for coffee, why did you stop for coffee?
5. When people pronounce the Italian drink names with an Italian
accent: Settle down. Just say it with the same accent as everyone else, because
the fact that you know how to say it doesn't impress me at all.
6. When you order a coffee with skim milk but add sugar: I can see
your diet is going really well.
So next time you order a coffee brighten your baristas day and
refrain from doing any of these, you might even get a smile from that pretentious twenty something. On second thought its probably still way too early for that!
You should see Park
Avenue at Christmas. It's like walking through the Milky Way
Ever since the idea of living in New
York first popped into my head, my mum has been adamant that the city is
dangerous.
'I don’t know if it’s safe for you to
be going on student exchange Gabby. After all, it’s my job to protect you from
predators wandering the streets at night.'
'Mum! Please stop watching 'A Current
Affair'
After all, we live in
Maroondah. Our town’s motto is literally "Stay in
the light, Stay in sight", so I don’t think she has to worry any more than
usual for my safety.
While New York’s crime scene spawned from 1940s
mobsters who drank from flasks and spoke in mid-Atlantic accents “heyyy, what’s
the big idea?” and “fawwget about it”, delinquency remains one of the city’s
greatest issues to date.
Just like the mob, New York’s department stores are divided into five families; Barney’s, Bendel’s, Bergdorf’s, Bloomingdales and Belk. And while they don’t carry out serious offenses like the Cosa Nostra, their crimes of fashion are equally as heinous! First there’s the
Genovese family, which has a reputation as the “Rolls-Royce” of organised crime. They deal mostly with
illegal gambling, which in the fashion world is Bendel’s. The store has an air of elitism, attracting shoppers to gamble their
chips on a pair of $4,295 dollar Manolo Booties. Let’s just say these buyers
have no betting limits!
Then
there’s the Gambino’s, which once held the position as the most powerful
underground family in America. This is undoubtedlyBergdorf’s, which in its day
dressed some of the most powerful women in the world including; Jackie Kennedy and Audrey Hepburn.
The Bonanno's suffered major indignity when it emerged that an undercover FBI
agent had been gathering information from the inside for six years. Likewise,Barney’sNew York came under fire after an
undercover employee admitted that staff would repeatedly make racist jokes
about black customers.
The Lucchese crime family specialises in racketeering. (If you
watch NCIS, you'll know that means engaging in fraudulent business dealings).
And guess what? The department store Belk was originally called the “New York
Racket”. Ummm sign me up for the CIA already.
The fifth and final family,
the Colombo's (a.k.aBloomingdale’s)are the babies on the New York scene.
Despite
New York's reputation, crime rates have actually reduced 71% since 1994.
The only valid explanation for this is that the
New York PD forces its inmates wear hideous orange jumpsuits. Ugh, what a crime
of fashion! Especially considering it’s a city that prides itself on looking
good (what else is there really?) I mean, I’d turn myself into Police too if it
meant I could make sure my outfit looked cute in my mug shot.
Maybe the Police Department are onto something with those jumpsuits. Xx
Sometimes movies just give
you all the feels. I mean, you'd have to be a heartless biatch to watch 'Marley
and Me' without shedding a single tear. Or a complete LIAR to have watched 'Pitch Perfect' without belting out the soundtrack in the shower. So when movies combine an epic montage with an
unexpectedly matched song, it has the power to motivate, inspire or make you reach for the tissues while unleashing your Kim-K
crying face. Whenever these songs come on the radio, the movie scene instantly plays out in our heads, unleashing the 90s dance moves we thought we'd forgotten. With that
image in mind, here are a few of the songs you'll catch us listening to on repeat, well after the DVD ends!
1. Love Actually - 'Both Sides Now' by Joni Mitchell
2. The Parent Trap - 'Here comes the Sun' by The Beatles
3. Billy Elliot - 'A Town Called Malice' by Boom Town Rats
4. Rocky III - 'Eye of the Tiger' by Survivor
5. 8 Mile - 'Lose Yourself' by Eminem
6. Dirty Dancing - 'Time of my
Life' by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
7. Shrek - 'All Star' by Smashmouth
8. Ghost - 'Unchained Melody' by The Rightcheous Brothers
9. Armageddon - 'I don't Want to Miss a Thing' by Aerosmith
10. Toy Story - 'You've Got a Friend in Me' by Randy Newman
1. 10 Things I Hate About You - 'Can't take my eyes off you' by Franki Valli
This scene made
everyone swoon over Heath Ledger… as if they weren’t already in love with him. There's something so badass about "bad boy" Patrick Verona singing in front of the school to win Kat's heart. Um, GOALS, GOALS, GOALS
2. Easy A - 'Knock on Wood' by Amii Stewart
‘Easy A’ holds a special place in my
heart as one of my all-time favourite movies. Who knew Emma Stone could sing
so well? Or that Penn Badgley could look so hot painted blue? This musical
number could have been painfully awkward if the audience didn’t totally love
it! Lucky for Olive (Emma Stone) the script writers weren’t going to let that
happen.
3. Freaky Friday - 'Take me away'
I was so obsessed with this movie as a kid (kidding! The obsession
never ended). I literally wore army pants and flip flops because Lindsay wore
army pants and flip flops. For real. If 12-year-old me was a cartoon character,
it’d be wearing army pants, since I never changed outfits for a solid three years.
4. Pulp Fiction -
'Misirlou' by Dick Dale
‘Misirlou’
has been rehashed for everything from ‘The Black Eyed Peas’ to the Victoria's
Secret Fashion Show. It was made iconic first by director Quentin Tarantino who
somehow managed to perfectly capture how my parents dance in public
5. Twilight: New Moon - 'Monsters' by Hurricane Bells
I was SUCH a
twi-hard ages 13-15 #Team Edward. Bonus points if you can make it through this
scene without cracking a smile. The ‘Twilight’ saga has a really great
soundtrack overall, but this scene has made it into my Top 10.
6. Little Miss Sunshine - 'Superfreak'
MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE MOVIE I LOVE IT SO MUCH UGH
7. High School Musical 3 - 'A night to remember'
There are two kind of people in this world.
Those who love highschool musical, and mother fucking LIARS. Oh and I totally
listened to this song before high school graduation by the way (surprise,
surprise!)
8. The Perks of Being a Wallflower - 'Heroes' by David Bowie
Aside from the fact that a group of
teenagers in the 90’s had no idea that the song blasting on the radio was in fact ‘Heroes’
by DAVID BOWIE (I can’t even…), the “tunnel song” has something
magical about it. And of course I had to pay tribute to the late Bowie, but
regardless, this would have always made the cut!
9. Pitch Perfect - 'Ending Performance' by The The Barden Bellas
What makes this scene is that its a high school acapella competition and the audience is absolutely LOSING THEIR SHIT just to be there.Also, girl power!
10. Bend it like Beckham - 'Move on Up' by Curtis Mayfield
(*Hint: start the video at 9 minutes)
This is one of my all-time favourite
songs, and one of Kanye’s as well! This is the original track to which Kanye
based ‘Touch the Sky’, so if you didn't realise this you've been missing out. Every night spent at soccer training, this song becomes the soundtrack
to my life!
