Uni-VERSE-ity

After 16,482 hours of schooling, it’s reached that time when everyone is deciding what they want to do after graduation.  And then we get home to our nagging parents who tell their friends we’re looking into dentistry when we mentioned that once when we were nine. Or as my mother invariably reminds me, “powerful woman” is not an actual career.  Uh… hello? Margaret Thatcher, Amelia Earhart, Beyonce?

I just want to move to New York and get a trendy apartment with my best friend. I’ll be a successful journalist for the New York Times, until I slowly work my way up from intern to editor at Vogue. Or a lawyer! That way if anyone ever got on my bad side, I could unleash my inner Erin Brocko-bitch and haul their butt into court. And I will have three best friends just like Carrie Bradshaw who everyone will love, because they are the type of cool-laid-back adults that everyone adores. We’ll have a huge slumber party, and rent “The Notebook” for the nineteenth time at Blockbuster on Seventy-Second and Lex. (I’m honestly trying to ween myself off of that movie). Is that really too much to ask for?

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But to get there I actually have to go to uni, as unlike congress, I have to achieve something! (So now that I have finally moved past the fact that the owl carrying my Hogwarts acceptance letter got lost getting to my house)...here it is: my first day of university.  And if it’s anything like high school, I will spend so much time at the library; I’ll be on a first name basis with the homeless guy who sleeps next to the vending machine. (When in fact I’ll probably be researching the latest looks from New York Fashion Week. Oops! ) But as I am reminded by my mother every day; “life doesn’t hand you this on a silver platter”. There IS no free pass! (Except for 13 year old Chinese Olympic gymnasts and children of celebrities). And let’s face it, for the Paris, North and Suri’s of the world, who major in gender studies or sociology (whatever that means); a college degree is more of an accessory anyway; like a Chihuahua, or an adopted African baby.

Now that I think about it, it would be nice to go someplace where college wasn’t the main focus of everyone’s attention. Like when I overhear my friends talking on the train:

“I want to explore new things. Get out of my comfort zone. You know, really discover who I am. I guess what I’m trying to come out and say is…”

“Are you gay?”

“I wanna join the uni swim team”

For those of us heading off to college this fall, you’ll know that there are two types of students; Those who got in where they wanted who will act all surprised and modest, and those that didn’t, who will declare to the world how unimportant an education is anyway (even though they know they’re secretly doomed). So if you fall into the second category, why not try a few of the following:

Make a generous donation to fund a new wing of the library in your name

Buy the dean of admissions the new Jaguar F-type convertible he has been lusting after all year

Play Justin Beiber’s “Baby” on repeat outside the admissions office, until they eventually give in and offer you a scholarship to beg you to stop

Borrow your dad’s American Express black card, go on a huge spending spree until you make it into the Guinness World Record Book for the most money ever spent on the card, and write a tell all memoir, winning the Pulitzer prize for literature

Every fall, confident high school graduates become nervous first year college students. And whether you made it there because of dedication to your studies, you’re prestigious private school tutors, or a daily dose of Ritalin, everyone knows that getting in is competitive- they don’t call it uni-VERSE-ity for nothing!

Xx

1. Big Ben Pen/ 2. Kikki K 2015 diary/ 3. XO notepad/ 4. Pegs and twine/ 5. Letter Writing Kit/ 6. Sportsgirl Secretly Famous Pencil Case/ 7. Eiffel Tower Scissors/ 8. Statue of Liberty Pen