I'm re-obsessed with "The Parent Trap" and it's giving me MAJOR fashion inspo

O.K. so it’s been a YEAR since I last wrote on this blog. And it will probably be another year 'til I write again. Truthfully, I’m only writing ~THIS~ article because I was so embarrassed by the stuff I wrote in the past, that I wanted to push it further down the page. Far, far away from the eyes of all the cute guys who aren't reading this blog.

Let's relive the most fashionable looks from the hit 1998 flick "The Parent Trap", shall we? A movie I have seen MAYBE ten thousand times. As a kid, it was a film I watched so much I fucked up the disc. I’m not going to pretend however, that I took any notice of the fashion way back then. I was like eight, and I didn’t care about clothes (unlike what snooty-front-rower people at VOGUE will tell you).

“Oh I knew I wanted to work in fashion from the MOMENT I was BORN!” 

“What a laugh! I knew I wanted to work in fashion while my father’s sperm was swimming to meet the egg. I remember that moment fondly”.

No, I was much more preoccupied with the techniques used by Hallie and Annie Parker to reunite their parents. My sisters and I are also “The Parker sisters”...  the Parker’s who failed to get their parents back together. As a consolation prize, at least we have these fun, carefree and statement looks to take us from our mum’s place to our dad’s.

Look #1 - What the “California Cool Girl” looked like before brandy Melville even EXISTED!

Step aside Brandy Melville models thinking you invented the CaliforniaCoolGirl™ image. I think you'll find Miss Hallie Parker was serving these looks when you were in diapers. I might end up recreating this look I love it that much. I think this boils down to the fact that she is pulling off PYJAMA shorts (or something eerily similar) as appropriate day wear. And I’m all for wearing pyjamas outside my house. Not to mention, those oval sunnies are everywhere and anywhere in 2018. The only real difference now is that trend-followers are into the white rimmed version, while these ones are tortoiseshell. We're all idiots!!!! These look much better IMO.

Look #2 - Exactly what Rimmel means when they tell us to “Get the London Look” 

Then you have Hallie’s twin, Annie James. (WHY am I recounting the film when EVERYONE has seen it)? Which is why I don’t need to point out that the picture is in fact Hallie ~pretending~ to be Annie. Her all-tweed ensemble is probably the most memorable outfit from the film. I really like the matching headband too, which was probably picked up from some fancy London boutique by her mother Elizabeth. For my lifestyle set outside the neighbourhoods of inner-city London however, it's not quite as wearable. So until further notice, I'm sticking with looks worn by Hallie the Cali-CoolGirl™.

Look #3 - Camp Walden for Girls serving! the! looks!

I’m all about that Camp-Girl aesthetic. I’ve been told I would make a great camp councilor, and I can’t tell if by that they mean I would gain sick pleasure in telling children to "shut up and GO TO SLEEP". Honestly, true. Ahhhhh soft worn cotton, gold pendant necklaces, those TORTOISESHELL SUNNIES... AGAIN! I’m definitely getting a pair, writing this has convinced me that they're missing from my life. Or maybe I need therapy to dig deeper into what's ~really~ missing. Moving on!

Look #4 - Elizabeth James is classier than you’ll ever be! It's not an accusation, it’s reality.

Elizabeth James is exactly who I picture every time I consider cutting my hair short. I want her classy, elegant, short-but-still-long-at-the-same-time cut, but it will probably never come to fruition. Her cream ensemble is a reminder that you are not wearing all cream enough, and Hallie’s three piece powder blue suit! I wish my mum had forced me to wear that as a kid. Even if I had no place to go in it. 

Look #5 - The ensemble every woman needs when she marries a man 20 years her senior, and becomes the evil stepmother his children will hate.

Meredith Blake makes my past step-mothers look like Step-Mother Theresa's and that's saying something! FYI: watching the film as a kid, I hated her. Now I think she's an icon. Also, If you haven’t sat at a bar in a powder grey suit with red lips and matching nails drinking a martini, you ~NEED~ to sort out your priorities! 

Look #6 - Hallie and Annie do a TERRIBLE job at hiding their identities. HelLOoO? I’m not their parents and even I can tell which is which.

Hallie and Annie weren’t telling their parents which twin was which, but those wireframe ray-ban-vibe sunnies on tortoiseshell croakies? ExcUSE me while I lose my shit and steal these from my grandma. Or buy them here. Clearly a Hallie look. And that sweet reappearing headband and peter-pan collar is oh so Annie. I guess the pretence of the movie relies on their parents not taking much notice in the first place though. 

Look #7 - The look served by girls who hate hiking, before, during and after said hike.

I like these East Coast vibe hiking outfits for the sole reason that tying flannel around your waist makes you instantly feel like a bonafide hiking pro. Maybe it’s the realisation that any time you feel cold, you can swiftly jump in to action and put that flannie to good use. 

Look #8 Attempting to splash Meredith is the only motivation I would need to jump in the pool

Give a girl a pair of these tortoiseshell lenses and an oversized tee and she can take on the world. You know how earlier I said that thing about not taking any notice of the fashion in the film? Well that was a complete and utter LIE because I do remember the XXL tee over the bathing suit look. Eight-year-old me thought that was REAL cool. Then again, I also thought wearing pink converse with my future wedding dress would be cool. The only difference is that I still feel the same about this look. And that's one CuteBlueSuit! Although I can't help but wonder if the contrasting red hair is what ultimately makes it.

Look #9 I’ve always kind of been in love with Nick Parker. I can’t tell if I want Meredith to be out of the picture so he can be with Hallie&Annie's mom or with me…

Hallie’s from California. Get it? C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A. The costume designer really had to chuck her in braids and a plaid shirt to drive the point home. Also, never underestimate the power of a button-down plaid shirt. A red one from Abercrombie & Fitch I bought when I was thirteen forever changed my life. It’s a long story. 

Look #10 Remember duffel bag girl? She didn’t have many lines but she was a total badass

I didn’t know this look was missing from my life until right now. Please join me at the next photo.

Look #11 - Meredith’s hiking look is the motivation you need to exercise

As a past member of the Columbia University Hiking Club, I feel ashamed to inform you that I never attempted this look. 

Look #12 - A royal flash

Set to the musical ramblings of “Bbbbbbbb Bad to the Bone” this look SCREAMED badass so much that in 2013, Lindsay’s mugshot shows her wearing the EXACT. SAME. JACKET. No lie. 

Did you notice the styling genius attributed to costume designer Penny Rose going on in this movie? Are you now suddenly craving oreo’s and peanut butter? See ya next year when I post again!

Christmas was 2 Weeks Ago, Keep Up

T'was the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was pronouncing "it was" as two words. Also I went running with my mum. Not from a killer but for fun (don't know which is more unbelievable). Mum was fifty metres ahead when some guys driving an early 2000's sports car complete fenders that screams “I sold all my living room furniture to buy this sick leather vest” flung their chin strapped faces out of the window and honked their horn at me as I ran buy. When I thought I couldn't roll my eyes any further back into my head, ten seconds later they were honking at my mum as she ran past too. 

*Mum, jogging on the spot, waiting for me to catch up* (What? she's even more athletic than I am.)

MUM: Gabby... 

ME: Uh-huh

MUM: You know my mother?

ME: You mean the only mother you've ever had?

MUM: Yes.

ME: Yes I do.

MUM: Well I need your giant intellect to help me come up with a Christmas present for her. The kind that doesn't look like a last minute gift.

ME: Its Christmas Eve. 

MUM: ....

Okay okay, hmmm. Oooh I know! How about tickets to a jazz performance? She likes jazz. 

MUM: Why buy tickets when I could just stuff her in an elevator for ninety minutes instead? 

ME: Mum!

MUM: What? It's half off on clearance. 

*silence*

MUM: Okay you’re right. 

ME: Thankyou.

MUM: We can put her on hold for *insert sickly sweet operator voice* ‘just one moment’ to the phone company instead.

ME: Oh, much better *sarcasm*.

MUM: God, what do you get the person who has everything?

ME: The one thing they don't have.

MUM: Which is? 

ME: Nothing.

MUM: Nothing, huh? I was right kid. You are good at coming up with present ideas.

ME: Mum!

MUM: Okay forget it. I’m getting her a gift card.

*knocks*

*knocks twice*

*knocks five times*

From inside the house: Maria! For heaven’s sake I’m almost deaf and I can hear that ghastly knocking at the door. 

*Maria (our grandma's maid opens the door)

ME: Thanks Maria.

GRAN: Whose there? I haven’t got my glasses on.

MUM: Mum, it’s me; Emily.

GRAN: Oh, its just you.

MUM: Just me mum.

ME: And me, Grandma. 

GRAN: I can barely look at you in that outfit, what are you wearing?

ME: Oh. Um, jeans?

GRAN: Hardly appropriate for dinnertime. Go upstairs and change. There should be something in your mother’s old room, unused and gathering dust, alongside the rest of her potential.

MUM: It’s so good to see you too, Mum. 

Xx

Cheers?

The first time I took a shot from a loaded gun (as if! This isn't Kentucky), I was eighteen-years-old. I strutted towards the bar with the confidence of Cindy Crawford, and a "make me a tequila on the rocks. Not too many rocks - I like it strong Derek!" attitude.

In my head.

In real life, I shoved through a horde of slobbering drunk guys with chin pubes and loadies mid-deal towards the bar.

"I'll haaaaave... a glass of alcohol please". 

Before I could ask for a Kinder Surprise, my friend (wait, you have friends?) intervened. 

"She'll have a tequila shot thanks". 

I tilted back my head and... held the shot in my mouth like I was gargling Listerine. In mere seconds the insides of my mouth started burning raw (again, like Listerine), while I mentally penned my will.

*Yeah, I can kiss that mouthwash endorsement bye bye*

At this point, a crowd of friends had gathered around me shouting me "Shot! Shot! Shot!", so I tried to discreetly spit the tequila out from the side of my mouth. Instead it just went all over me, and I spend the rest of the night soaked from my own spat out vodka (yum!)

So I guess its kinda obvious that I'm not much of a drinker. Which is really hard for everyone else to understand.  I'll be at a college party and mention "I'm not drinking tonight", only to be bombarded with a million questions like:

"Are you on antibiotics"

No

"Are you pregnant"

NO!

"Are you drunk?"

Yah, okay. I am.

I'm drunk right now actually. 

Kidding. The closest I get to taking a shot is when I have the flu.

Mum: Sorry we only children's cough syrup. 10mL should do it

*pours into shot glass*

Me; Make it 20, I need the hard stuff. 

Xx

Money hungry. And just really hungry.....

I need to sort out my finances. After all, I’m twenty now. Sorry I just had my birthday, so I’m practicing how it feels to say it. You know? So when people ask me, I won’t go ‘nineteen!’ and then have awkward small talk about how I don’t even remember my own age.

I’m twenty now and that means I am (more) of an adult!

Wait, what are taxes? How do I pay bills? *hyperventilating* I have an unopened pile of letters shoved in my drawer dating back to 2014 from my superannuation company (whatever that means) and I’m too scared to open them.

Right now I am busy saving for student exchange. I’m going to Barnard College, which is in the Upper West Side of New York City! So if anyone knows someone who needs their car washed, their lawns mowed, or fertile eggs, I’m your girl.

Just kidding.

About the car washing and lawn mowing. This body was NOT made for physical labour.

Okay I’m really kidding.

I don’t want my DNA mixing with someone I haven’t pre-selected either.

In all seriousness, donating your eggs so that an infertile or same-sex couple can have a baby is probably one of the most selfless things a person can do. That’s why I would never. It’s just not in my nature.

Unlike the Upper-East-Side-private-school-princesses with a hundred thousand Instagram followers, who make money posting a casual yet perfectly laid out pic of their tanned arm showcasing a glittering Rolex, I have to work hard for every cent of this trip! (Maybe not THAT hard though. Do you know how hard it is to make a pic holding teeth whitening strips look effortless?) Hate those people all you want, but we all secretly wish we were them. 

In truth though, every single wake-up-at-5am job I've ever had has given me a sense of undeniable satisfaction. Money can buy you a Rolex, fit tea, and sugar bear hair vitamins, but it can't buy you the sweet feeling you get when the doors of your workplace part, and you inhale the first gulp of fresh, untainted air. At least, that's what rich people tell us to stop us from rioting. 

Xx

Cool Kids on the Block

I wrote this poem about MTV and it got published in the student magazine! You can read it here if you want (or don't, I'll never find out)...

Xx

Go Figure

Is there a more essentialised image than Christmas in New York? Rockin' around the Rockefeller tree, the couple ice skating romantically around Central Park, and the department store Santa who really is old Saint Nick...

If I could produce an ‘Essentialised New York Christmas Movie’, it would re-run on cable channels every holiday season, and go a little something like this:

Our story begins with the shaking of an Empire State Building snow globe, zooming into the real life New York setting. You're part of a white, middle class, nuclear family (poor kids from the Ghetto tend to ask Santa for simple things like dinner, which test audiences find to be a real downer). Like a bumbling idiot, your dad (dressed in a painfully embarrassing Rudolf turtleneck) is incapable of stringing up twinkle lights without obtaining some *hilarious* injury. He's in an ongoing feud with the competitive next door neighbours, who make it their life's ambition to outdo your holiday decorations. Somewhere along the way there's a kiss under the mistletoe, a cringeworthy modern spin to traditional carols, and of course, waking up to a white Christmas.

Choose your own adventure: You can be Cindy-Lou or
Kevin  in the 'Essentialised New York Christmas Movie'

It's up to you, an adorable (yet annoying to everyone watching at home) child, to make the neighbours realise that rampant commercialism is ruining the holiday. After recognising the error in their ways, a snowstorm causes the power to go out. Together you sing carols around the piano by the warmth of an open fire, reminding the audience of the true meaning of Christmas. 

The film will be directed by the Christopher Columbus that didn't kill any Indians

I almost forgot! This is the dog that you get for Christmas. Only its important to remember that the holidays aren't about presents. (You can say this convincingly since you got what you always wanted)! 

This essentialist New York Christmas is problematic in many ways. For starters, my mum is too stressed every year trying to live up to the standards set by the 'do-it-all' mum in the movies, that she forgets the whole “true meaning of Christmas” part. Meanwhile, I wake up to 40 degree heat, dreaming of a white Christmas. (New Yorkers probably feel the same, considering it rarely snows in December). Finally, after begging to go to the indoor rink (which feels a little less romantic than Central Park), I'm skating one minute and the next "I’m lyin on the cold hard ground". Taylor Swift really prepared me for this— Unlike New York Christmas movies. 

Xx

Nobody Eats Apples in the Big Apple

Eating at Yankee Stadium while sticking to a budget of, oh, I dunno, like under 50 DOLLARS!

We can't all swipe our troubles and truffles away with Daddy's American Express Black card you know.

While the city clears out when Upper East Side prep schools break for the summer, and the fabulously rich canoodle off to St Barths and St Tropez, summertime means one thing to the New Yorkers left behind: Baseball season. And whether you’re rooting for the Yankees or the Mets, soaking up the sun in the bleachers while downing an overpriced hot dog is what summer in the city is all about!

You know you're a 90s kid when 'The Sandlot' made you think Babe Ruth was
the best baseball-er of the 20th century. (He retired in 1935, just before Black
African American's were allowed into the league). 

Yankee Stadium (located on the corner of 161^st and River Avenue in the Bronx) is one of NYC’s most famous baseball pitches (2^nd only to the Sandlot … duh!)  Up until the 80s, it stuck with traditional ballpark snacks like hot dogs, pretzels and cracker jacks. Nowadays however, you can dine in an upscale restaurant, or if you’re under 12, enjoy a classic sushi like the California roll. (Over 12s can order off the same menu, only with the added judge-y eyes of sushi snob).

With this in mind, I present to you my favourite sweet treat to survive summer at the stadium!

Warning: the concession stand queues at the 7^th inning stretch can be intimidating … even if you’ve survived the Boxing Day lines at Barney’s!

hot, Hot, HOT DOGS!

One New York tale that riles even the most die-hard hot dog historians is the origin story of the name “hot dog”. At the New York Giants baseball match in 1901, vendors everywhere were shouting “Get your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot!” Overhearing this, sports cartoonist for the New York Journal, Tad Dorgan (god, kids can be cruel) quickly sketched a barking dachshund nestled between two buns. Unable to spell “dachshund”, he simply wrote “hot dog”. 

For that classic baseball fare, look no further than Highlanders. This eatery (which was names after the Yankees original Moniker during their first season) offers all the original ball park foods we know and love. Sound appealing? Join the back of the queue like everyone else. (Just practicing my stereo-typically blunt New Yorker attitude). 

Hasn’t anyone told you? Nobody east apples in the Big Apple!

Xx

All Access Guide to Coachella

Whether you're a free spirit born-and-raised with a flower crown sprouting from your temple, or a suburban teen inspired by Tumblr, music festivals bring out the inner Coachella in all of us. Their dreamy boho vibes are reminiscent of the good old 70's, when things were actually way worse. 

Yet there's something about their alternative vibes that make me realise if anyone would blend in at a music festival without even trying, it's my mother. She can be alternative at times to say the least. 
'Mum I'm home!'
*Bursts through the front door to find her pacing around the living room in a puff of incense, wearing harem pants and playing the Tibetan singing bowl*
'Hi honey! I'm just cleansing the house of negative spiritual energy. Have you had an afternoon snack yet?'

My mum's 'music-festival-without-even-trying' attitude didn't stop her however from telling my little sister that she's not allowed to upcoming festival  'Groovin' the Moo' (HAHAHA). Meanwhile I get to since I’m over 18 (true) and can do whatever I want (*snorts* not true… at ALL). So then my sister had this dramatic moment where she expressed that she was glad that at least one us would make it, and to “just go on without me”. Which I intend on doing. 

I should probably preface this by saying that 'Groovin’ the Moo' is kind of like the Australian version of Coachella (only without Kylie Jenner and the entourage of filthy rich 15-year-old Youtubers). 

Whatever music festival you are attending this season (or not attending, like my sister), you're undoubtedly in need of the perfect outfit that falls somewhere between boho and breezy, put-together yet relaxed. The following outfits of inspiration are dreamy enough to carry you from day to night, or from a music festival to a road trip! 

I really hate to use fashion curse words without sensoring, but your outfit also needs to be PRACTICAL *shudders* 
Since you're going to be part of a giant mosh pit and on you'll be on your feet all day, you're going to need semi-comfortable shoes. 
YUCK! 
This goes against my religion (I mean, Christian Loubiton said himself that he would HATE if someone were to look at his shoes and say “Oh my God! They look sooooo comfortable”). 
In this outfit I'm wearing a floral jumpsuit, with a black denim skirt and statement studded belt thrown over it. I won't narrate the entire outfit I swear! I know you have eyes. 

Coachella isn’t all friends, fashion and Florence and the Machine – its serious business. For starters, the most important thing when dressing for a music festival is avoid looking so mainstream that you become a main river. 

So for those of you not in the know, the unspoken clichés of music festivals that you must avoid are as follows:

Coachella Tip #1: Is there anything more tired and overdone than a flower crown?  The only time these are currently acceptable is if a) you’re a flower girl at a wedding, b) You’ve been in a coma for the past five years and you’re catching up on trends you missed or c) You’re Timothy Green, and have an unexplained medical condition that causes you to sprout flowers sporadically from your head. Everyone else I'm sorry (not really) but you have no legitimate excuse to be wearing a flower crown. 
Spotted: Gigi Hadid wearing the one thing better than a flower crown (um... a not flower crown?) A head wrap! I love everything about this look! To avoid looking like you read tarot cards and see thing in crystal balls (other than your reflection), I recommend using a large, square scarf. Also avoid purple. I'd go for something with warmer tones; golds, browns and oranges like Miss Hadid. 

      
Coachella Tip #2:  Culturally appropriated accessories: I don’t care if you’re Vanessa Hudgens, (a.k.a Queen of Coachella), cultural insensitivity will never look cute. As much as I wish to praise your originality in wearing denim undies with a bindi stuck to your forehead, we've all seen the sour side of offending another’s culture. And at the end of the day, why risk offending someone when you can look super cute and original while not offending them? 
      Spotted: Gigi (again!) Is this girl is going to de-throne Vanessa Hudgens or what? I love her facial jewelry! Its totally different from the more cliche Coachella bindi. (You can buy them from 'Body Bauble' here).

            Tip #3: While there’s nothing overly cringe about denim shorts, if you MUST, why not stand out of the crowd of thousands of festival go-ers. I love this pair from ‘Nasty Gal’ because they scream American cowgirl.  

Tip #4: Hair to be different: Unlike being in class and not knowing the answer when the teacher is choosing someone to speak, music festivals are NOT the time to blend in with the crowd. As much as I love it, pastel hair is soooo last festival. This season its all about the two B's; braids and buns. Check out some of my favourites below

A few days and hundreds of tissues later:

And like some sick joke (literally) – I couldn’t go to Groovin’ the Moo because I got sick! You know when you’re listening to your iPod (or your MP3 player if you’re reading this in 2002, while wearing a flower crown non-ironically) and it goes a little something like:

Not this song 

*shuffle*

*shuffle*

*shuffle*

*shuffle*

*shuffle*

*shuffle*

FINALLY! Well ‘Groovin’ the Moo’ is nothing like that because I was in love with the line-up, like it basically floated down from the playlist of my dreams. . It keeps me awake at night thinking about all of the music I'd be obsessed with, if only I knew where to find it.... that place was Bendigo, where the festival was just held.

WAHHHHHH

I hope you kids had fun, stepped away from the crochet and gave birth to some new trends. 

Until next year.

Xx